Tale of Two Kiddies

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Archive for the month “June, 2012”

So You Want a First Date

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This is a primer of sorts for first dates. Mostly for dating me but there are some general good ideas for a first date with any lady. I was thinking about how eventually I’ll be re-entering the dating world and the lessons I have learned over the years. (Unfortunately mostly from one person.) I’m hoping if some wonderful gentleman at some point asks me on a date, he will follow the guidelines below. If he just does these on his own, well that would just be awesome; but if he needs to be shown this prior, and then implements it, that would also be just swell. Without further ado, my top 5 pieces of advice – in no particular order:

1. If I smell you before you walk into the room, don’t be surprised if I excuse myself to the bathroom & never come back. I won’t be able to focus on a conversation or choke down my dinner. I will be polite and ditch you before ordering. Trust me, this is one of those ‘a little goes a long way’ things. There is nothing sexier than leaning in close and noticing a faint (pleasant) smell and then thinking of that person when – maybe, was that it? – you come across that smell again. There is nothing unsexier (*quick note – my autocorrect keeps trying to change “unsexier” to “insecure”. Very astute Apple, well played and spot on.) than choking down a nearly visible stench of cologne/Axe/scent-you-think-is-going-to-send-my-baby-maker-into-overdrive-when-in-fact-the-only-thing-you’re-turning-is-my-stomach. I assure you it is pretty generally accepted that your stink level is directly proportional to your suck factor.

2. If I ask what nationality you are, unless it’s 4th of July/some other patriotic holiday or you’re 100% native, American is not the correct answer. I’m as proud to be an American as anyone, but if that’s the extent of your knowledge of your own personal heritage, I’m just going to assume you don’t have much to say when it comes to all things culture. A broad generalization I know but in my experience holds true. I know this may be a geographically specific idea but I think it may be universal. Also going along with this same question & answer topic, what girl doesn’t like the idea of a hot foreigner with an impossible to resist accent (think Colin Farrell) sweeping her off her feet? The closest most of us girls will come to a sexy Irishman is the cute guy from Randomtown, USA whose great-great-grandfather came over here on a boat from Ireland. A grasp of this knowledge will score you some points, promise. Think about it, think about the chain of logic – you tell me you’re Irish, Grandpappy came over from Dublin in the early 1900’s, I go from lukewarm (at best) first date feelings about you to thinking about Ireland to thinking about Colin Farrell, now I’m starting to feel a little heat. See how that happened? You say you’re nationality is American, with no Native story to qualify it, I think Larry the Cable Guy. I just went from lukewarm to frigid.

3. Don’t share your sob story. By this point we all have at least one. You may think this is showing me your sensitive/emotional side. You’re wrong. At most you’re scaring me away (all your ex-girlfriends have completely disappeared in an almost witness protection type way) and at the least I’m thinking you’re just a whiny or ungrateful baby (mommy & daddy cut you off financially when you turned 30). Depending who you’re talking to you’ll either wind up in a “woe is me” contest trading sad tales (not me), you’ll wind up with someone’s pity (possibly me, but it would have to be really tragic at this point), or you’ll wind up annoying a person (probably me). Whichever way – not sexy and nothing to build a second date upon. Keep it to yourself for now, wait until I care about you enough to be interested & want to know or at least until I like you enough to pretend to care. Seriously though, listening to other peoples’ sad stories makes you think of your own sad stories and who really wants to be sad -or annoyed- on a date?

4. When picking a venue for a first date it is important to know your audience. For example, in my case I can paint you a picture right now how I looked when you met me. I was smiling & looked happy, maybe a little tired &/or stressed, but thoroughly content & loving life. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, not much make-up (think mascara, maybe eyeliner, & some sexy Chapstick). I was wearing jeans, some kind of plain fitted t-shirt or tank top, & flip flops (unless it was cold & then I was wearing jeans, a long sleeve tee, & sneakers). Now given my appearance -out in public- when you met me, where would you take me for a first date? Chez Henri with linens, candlelight, a minimum $200/person dinners, & an unspoken dress code of ball gown & tuxedo? Or (hint, hint, hint – it’s this one) would you take me to a local sports bar/chain restaurant/mom & pop cute (casual) place (*if you’re really smart, it will be a place without a kids menu) for a burger, a beer, & whatever game is on? However, if you meet a chick in designer clothes, perfect hair, nails, & makeup, with her little dog in a purse on her shoulder – you should probably take her on the first option presented above. Of course these are two extremes and there is a lot of middle ground that I didn’t cover. It’s all about being somewhat perceptive to the type of person you are asking to spend a few hours with you & give you a chance.

5. If asked what your thoughts on kids are, do yourself a favor and talk about how much you love them, tell me about how cute your brother’s/best friend’s/co-worker’s/neighbors’ kid is. You definitely see kids in your future. Even if you don’t 100% know you want kids, just utter that one line. I’m not encouraging lying at all. First dates are all about not lying but still saying the right thing. Kids will definitely be in your future, they may not necessarily be yours but someone you know will have kids. See? No lie there. I know you probably think my opinion on this is skewed but I’m telling you there is probably only about 1% of all girls out there that won’t completely shut down if you make it known on a first date that you never want kids. We have the uterus, we decide if we want kids or not. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, yours are not the only swimmers. By the way, as a single mom my kids are usually close by, if not attached to, me. You knew I had kids when you asked me out. If the topic of kids comes up and you make a face, shrug your shoulders, or in any other way imply “Meh, I could take them or leave them,” you can pretty much go ahead and ask me to split the check because you won’t see me again.

Please feel free to share with anyone you feel would be helped by this or anyone who might agree/get a laugh out of it! What is some advice you’d give to a gentleman suitor? Please share in the comments below!


My Missed Connections


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I don’t know about you, but I had no idea what Missed Connections was (or even that it existed) until I heard it referenced on a couple TV shows and then read this ad (which turned out to be a hoax) that was posted on Facebook or pinterest.

If you haven’t heard of Missed Connections, it’s a website where you can go to post an ad trying to find someone you had a chance encounter with. Made googly eyes with a cutie while getting your morning coffee? Take the what-could’ve- been craziness up a notch and post an ad saying “short, curvy woman with purple hair and multiple piercings & tattoos seeking tall, dark, handsome man in suit that was smiling at me in Starbucks on Main St this morning. If you were smiling at the 6’2″ supermodel in the bikini behind me, please disregard this post.” Anyway, the point of this is not to bag on Missed Connections, or the people who use it – but I will for just a minute because, come on, this is ridiculous. Who am I to judge someone going online to post a plea to find someone they shared the same air with for 30 seconds? I could say that you’re bat shit crazy and even if the person you’re looking for thought you were cute, chances are if they see your desperate ad, there will be no next encounter. Hypothetically this is a great romantic idea, realistically it’s a forum for the psycho stalkers to let the world know who they are.

In tribute to Missed Connections, I’ve decided to write up a few of my own ads. I have had my share of encounters that I’d like to repeat, whether they were fleeting or lasted awhile before they faded into the sunset or disappeared in a flash. Turns out I really do understand the desperation involved in posting these ads.

Ad #1:
30 year old woman looking for her youthful energy. I spent quite a lot of time with you up until about 5 years ago. Then you just stopped showing up. We had great times together – we used to go out until all hours of the night & party, even on work nights where we had only a few hours in bed before the alarm went off. Do you remember? We could wake up, shower, chug an extra-large coffee, be awake & alert to kick ass at work, then repeat the same thing again later. I’ve heard that youthful energy disappears when you have kids or gets transferred completely to your kids but I thought *we* were different. I’d love to see you again. Please get in touch, even if you can only visit a few times a month – I’ll take whatever I can get.

Ad #2:
Mother of 2 seeks all the extra money I should have had before I had kids. Now I keep my kids fed, clothed, entertained, & happy – and trust me that is not cheap. Kids are expensive. Thing is I didn’t always have kids. I used to work before them and I made money and I didn’t have any extra money to save. I mean I should have, being as though now that I have kids I have all these extra expenses that I didn’t have before and I manage to keep those expenses paid. I’ve never actually met you extra money I should’ve been saving. I caught glimpses of you between 2000-2007, but it was mostly at crowded bars, restaurants, casinos & clothing stores. You slipped away before I could ever have a meaningful conversation with you about a real future. If you see this ad, please contact me, I still need you in my life – now more than ever.

Ad #3:
Young-ish lady seeks one super-sized, iron-clad bladder. I assure you I am not a senior citizen, I am only 30 years old. I had a long-term relationship with you, from about 1987/88 until the summer of 2007. Remember that 8 hour road trip when you didn’t fail me once? How about those long nights of drinking when, if we didn’t break your seal, you were dependable the whole time?! I didn’t even realize you left, you just kind of started hanging around less and less and before I knew it you were gone. I miss you so much every night, usually around 3:30 am, and sometimes when I laugh really hard. I’m so sorry I didn’t do my kegel exercises to keep you around longer, I promise to train really hard if you come back. Please come back to me – my future *Depends* on it!

Ad #4:
Very tired, yet functioning, woman seeks quality sleep. Thanks to Youthful Energy we didn’t spend that much time together but when we did -ahhhh – it was bliss. Thanks to Solid Bladder, our time together was uninterrupted. I miss you. I know we still see each other in dribs & drabs, but I would like to spend some real quality time with you like we used to. We used to be able to see each other whenever we wanted, for however long we wanted. What happened to us?! If at all possible, could you meet up with Solid Bladder, find this fairy tale character I’ve heard myths & rumors about named Babysitter, and at least spend one glorious weekend with me? If it goes well, maybe we can repeat for several trysts – I would love to see you as often as possible.

Ad #5:
Lovely mother looking for nice appearance. My standards are no longer that high, so you don’t have to be super rich or beautiful. You’ll recognize me by my: dirty/unbrushed pony tail, yoga pants I slept in, snot/pee/vomit stained t-shirt, & cheap flip flops or sneakers (depending on the season). I’ll also have bags under my blood shot eyes, a crying toddler on my hip, & a whining preschooler clinging to my leg. Please try to see past all that and see the once beautiful woman lurking underneath. If you peel off all those layers and replace with some nice jeans, pretty shirt, cute shoes and apply a hairbrush & some makeup, I promise I clean up quite nice. It would probably help if you teamed up with some of the others I’m seeking – this one may take a team effort, but please, for the love of everything good & just in this world, please find me!

Is there anyone you’re lacking in your life? Add your Missed Connections post in the comments below 🙂

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