Tale of Two Kiddies

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Kindergarten! How did that happen?!

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Kid #1 starts kindergarten on Tuesday. WTF?! How in the world did that happen so fast?! I remember clearly finding out I was “expecting” him (expecting – as if he had a choice. I’m expecting him but maybe he won’t show up. Stupid term. Anyway…) I remember clearly having him, the entire day from start to finish, stamped forever in my brain. The following (almost) 5 years has passed by in a flash. After that day in April 2007, I remember absolutely nothing clearly – not even my entire day yesterday. As they would say on Seinfeld – I had a baby, yadda yadda yadda, now he’s starting kindergarten. Seriously. How did the last 5 years turn into yadda yadda yadda? I honestly remember drunken nights out from 8 years ago more vividly and accurately than I remember almost anything from the past 5 years (having kid #2 being an exception to that of course).

I’m so excited for him. I’m excited for new beginnings. We’ve had many new beginnings this year, so it’s very fitting that school be yet another one. I’m also excited that, due to the many unexpected paths life has taken us on, we have wound up back in my home town. Kid #1 will be going to kindergarten in the very same school that I started my educational journey in 26 years ago. Circle of life or some other happy bs like that. It is pretty cool though. So far the best thing about kindergarten is (other than his happiness & excitement) the awesome threatening power. No matter what I need or want him to do or stop doing, all I have to do is play the kindergarten card and my wish is his command. Worst part so far, the school supply list. I’d like 5 minutes alone in a room with the sadists that compile this torturous list. Better yet, I’ll just send my 4.5 year old & 20 of his friends to spend 2.5 hours every day locked in a room with her. Oh wait… I just got it, advanced payback at its finest.

Thanks to starting the day after a holiday weekend, I’ve been trying to get everything organized & ready for Tuesday, so that maybe I’ll have Monday to relax & do nothing. Well, nothing other than take care of a 3 & 4 year old by myself, but that’s easy right? I just mean nothing extra to get ready for the start of school. However I’m on the fence. As much as I’d like to be super organized, have all set to go, & be the model parent, I also don’t want to set the bar too high. No sense being an over-achieving mom for the first week if I have no intention or plausible expectation of being an OAM the rest of the year. I try, really, but even my best efforts fizzle out by Day 10, or Day 2, who’s counting. Example: I bought a closet organizer at a yard sale. It has 5 cubbies, for Monday through Friday. The idea was to get all the outfits for the week ready, have them in the closet in their respective day’s hole, easy. The problem lies in implementing said plan. You see, it is hanging in the closet that is so piled high with shit that there’s room for Monday & Tuesday to hang, while Weds – Fri get smooshed together in a wad atop the pile. Actually that’s perfect because I don’t see it being used, or helpful, much past Tuesday. If only you could freely open & close the closet without a clothes-valanche threatening to knock you to the ground, maybe we’d have a couple days of organization.

Anyway I’m excited, nervous, anxious, happy, relieved, & shocked that my baby is starting kindergarten in a couple days. What do you do to keep some semblance of order & sanity in your school routine? Please remember who you’re talking to, any high maintenance or ridiculously involved suggestions will be politely thanked, laughed at for a length of time proportionate to the amount of time necessary to carry out the idea, & then completely forgotten/ignored/dismissed/unused. Thanks in advance for suggestions & good luck to any other first-timers dealing with school. *Good thing tissues were on the school supply list & good thing I had the foresight to buy in bulk at BJ’s – pretty sure I’ll need a few boxes on Tuesday!

So You Want a First Date

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Photo from superstock.com

This is a primer of sorts for first dates. Mostly for dating me but there are some general good ideas for a first date with any lady. I was thinking about how eventually I’ll be re-entering the dating world and the lessons I have learned over the years. (Unfortunately mostly from one person.) I’m hoping if some wonderful gentleman at some point asks me on a date, he will follow the guidelines below. If he just does these on his own, well that would just be awesome; but if he needs to be shown this prior, and then implements it, that would also be just swell. Without further ado, my top 5 pieces of advice – in no particular order:

1. If I smell you before you walk into the room, don’t be surprised if I excuse myself to the bathroom & never come back. I won’t be able to focus on a conversation or choke down my dinner. I will be polite and ditch you before ordering. Trust me, this is one of those ‘a little goes a long way’ things. There is nothing sexier than leaning in close and noticing a faint (pleasant) smell and then thinking of that person when – maybe, was that it? – you come across that smell again. There is nothing unsexier (*quick note – my autocorrect keeps trying to change “unsexier” to “insecure”. Very astute Apple, well played and spot on.) than choking down a nearly visible stench of cologne/Axe/scent-you-think-is-going-to-send-my-baby-maker-into-overdrive-when-in-fact-the-only-thing-you’re-turning-is-my-stomach. I assure you it is pretty generally accepted that your stink level is directly proportional to your suck factor.

2. If I ask what nationality you are, unless it’s 4th of July/some other patriotic holiday or you’re 100% native, American is not the correct answer. I’m as proud to be an American as anyone, but if that’s the extent of your knowledge of your own personal heritage, I’m just going to assume you don’t have much to say when it comes to all things culture. A broad generalization I know but in my experience holds true. I know this may be a geographically specific idea but I think it may be universal. Also going along with this same question & answer topic, what girl doesn’t like the idea of a hot foreigner with an impossible to resist accent (think Colin Farrell) sweeping her off her feet? The closest most of us girls will come to a sexy Irishman is the cute guy from Randomtown, USA whose great-great-grandfather came over here on a boat from Ireland. A grasp of this knowledge will score you some points, promise. Think about it, think about the chain of logic – you tell me you’re Irish, Grandpappy came over from Dublin in the early 1900’s, I go from lukewarm (at best) first date feelings about you to thinking about Ireland to thinking about Colin Farrell, now I’m starting to feel a little heat. See how that happened? You say you’re nationality is American, with no Native story to qualify it, I think Larry the Cable Guy. I just went from lukewarm to frigid.

3. Don’t share your sob story. By this point we all have at least one. You may think this is showing me your sensitive/emotional side. You’re wrong. At most you’re scaring me away (all your ex-girlfriends have completely disappeared in an almost witness protection type way) and at the least I’m thinking you’re just a whiny or ungrateful baby (mommy & daddy cut you off financially when you turned 30). Depending who you’re talking to you’ll either wind up in a “woe is me” contest trading sad tales (not me), you’ll wind up with someone’s pity (possibly me, but it would have to be really tragic at this point), or you’ll wind up annoying a person (probably me). Whichever way – not sexy and nothing to build a second date upon. Keep it to yourself for now, wait until I care about you enough to be interested & want to know or at least until I like you enough to pretend to care. Seriously though, listening to other peoples’ sad stories makes you think of your own sad stories and who really wants to be sad -or annoyed- on a date?

4. When picking a venue for a first date it is important to know your audience. For example, in my case I can paint you a picture right now how I looked when you met me. I was smiling & looked happy, maybe a little tired &/or stressed, but thoroughly content & loving life. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, not much make-up (think mascara, maybe eyeliner, & some sexy Chapstick). I was wearing jeans, some kind of plain fitted t-shirt or tank top, & flip flops (unless it was cold & then I was wearing jeans, a long sleeve tee, & sneakers). Now given my appearance -out in public- when you met me, where would you take me for a first date? Chez Henri with linens, candlelight, a minimum $200/person dinners, & an unspoken dress code of ball gown & tuxedo? Or (hint, hint, hint – it’s this one) would you take me to a local sports bar/chain restaurant/mom & pop cute (casual) place (*if you’re really smart, it will be a place without a kids menu) for a burger, a beer, & whatever game is on? However, if you meet a chick in designer clothes, perfect hair, nails, & makeup, with her little dog in a purse on her shoulder – you should probably take her on the first option presented above. Of course these are two extremes and there is a lot of middle ground that I didn’t cover. It’s all about being somewhat perceptive to the type of person you are asking to spend a few hours with you & give you a chance.

5. If asked what your thoughts on kids are, do yourself a favor and talk about how much you love them, tell me about how cute your brother’s/best friend’s/co-worker’s/neighbors’ kid is. You definitely see kids in your future. Even if you don’t 100% know you want kids, just utter that one line. I’m not encouraging lying at all. First dates are all about not lying but still saying the right thing. Kids will definitely be in your future, they may not necessarily be yours but someone you know will have kids. See? No lie there. I know you probably think my opinion on this is skewed but I’m telling you there is probably only about 1% of all girls out there that won’t completely shut down if you make it known on a first date that you never want kids. We have the uterus, we decide if we want kids or not. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, yours are not the only swimmers. By the way, as a single mom my kids are usually close by, if not attached to, me. You knew I had kids when you asked me out. If the topic of kids comes up and you make a face, shrug your shoulders, or in any other way imply “Meh, I could take them or leave them,” you can pretty much go ahead and ask me to split the check because you won’t see me again.

Please feel free to share with anyone you feel would be helped by this or anyone who might agree/get a laugh out of it! What is some advice you’d give to a gentleman suitor? Please share in the comments below!

My Missed Connections

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Pictured borrowed from http://cdn.psfk.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/iwishisaidhello-5-525×351.jpg?fedaf9

I don’t know about you, but I had no idea what Missed Connections was (or even that it existed) until I heard it referenced on a couple TV shows and then read this ad (which turned out to be a hoax) that was posted on Facebook or pinterest.

If you haven’t heard of Missed Connections, it’s a website where you can go to post an ad trying to find someone you had a chance encounter with. Made googly eyes with a cutie while getting your morning coffee? Take the what-could’ve- been craziness up a notch and post an ad saying “short, curvy woman with purple hair and multiple piercings & tattoos seeking tall, dark, handsome man in suit that was smiling at me in Starbucks on Main St this morning. If you were smiling at the 6’2″ supermodel in the bikini behind me, please disregard this post.” Anyway, the point of this is not to bag on Missed Connections, or the people who use it – but I will for just a minute because, come on, this is ridiculous. Who am I to judge someone going online to post a plea to find someone they shared the same air with for 30 seconds? I could say that you’re bat shit crazy and even if the person you’re looking for thought you were cute, chances are if they see your desperate ad, there will be no next encounter. Hypothetically this is a great romantic idea, realistically it’s a forum for the psycho stalkers to let the world know who they are.

In tribute to Missed Connections, I’ve decided to write up a few of my own ads. I have had my share of encounters that I’d like to repeat, whether they were fleeting or lasted awhile before they faded into the sunset or disappeared in a flash. Turns out I really do understand the desperation involved in posting these ads.

Ad #1:
30 year old woman looking for her youthful energy. I spent quite a lot of time with you up until about 5 years ago. Then you just stopped showing up. We had great times together – we used to go out until all hours of the night & party, even on work nights where we had only a few hours in bed before the alarm went off. Do you remember? We could wake up, shower, chug an extra-large coffee, be awake & alert to kick ass at work, then repeat the same thing again later. I’ve heard that youthful energy disappears when you have kids or gets transferred completely to your kids but I thought *we* were different. I’d love to see you again. Please get in touch, even if you can only visit a few times a month – I’ll take whatever I can get.

Ad #2:
Mother of 2 seeks all the extra money I should have had before I had kids. Now I keep my kids fed, clothed, entertained, & happy – and trust me that is not cheap. Kids are expensive. Thing is I didn’t always have kids. I used to work before them and I made money and I didn’t have any extra money to save. I mean I should have, being as though now that I have kids I have all these extra expenses that I didn’t have before and I manage to keep those expenses paid. I’ve never actually met you extra money I should’ve been saving. I caught glimpses of you between 2000-2007, but it was mostly at crowded bars, restaurants, casinos & clothing stores. You slipped away before I could ever have a meaningful conversation with you about a real future. If you see this ad, please contact me, I still need you in my life – now more than ever.

Ad #3:
Young-ish lady seeks one super-sized, iron-clad bladder. I assure you I am not a senior citizen, I am only 30 years old. I had a long-term relationship with you, from about 1987/88 until the summer of 2007. Remember that 8 hour road trip when you didn’t fail me once? How about those long nights of drinking when, if we didn’t break your seal, you were dependable the whole time?! I didn’t even realize you left, you just kind of started hanging around less and less and before I knew it you were gone. I miss you so much every night, usually around 3:30 am, and sometimes when I laugh really hard. I’m so sorry I didn’t do my kegel exercises to keep you around longer, I promise to train really hard if you come back. Please come back to me – my future *Depends* on it!

Ad #4:
Very tired, yet functioning, woman seeks quality sleep. Thanks to Youthful Energy we didn’t spend that much time together but when we did -ahhhh – it was bliss. Thanks to Solid Bladder, our time together was uninterrupted. I miss you. I know we still see each other in dribs & drabs, but I would like to spend some real quality time with you like we used to. We used to be able to see each other whenever we wanted, for however long we wanted. What happened to us?! If at all possible, could you meet up with Solid Bladder, find this fairy tale character I’ve heard myths & rumors about named Babysitter, and at least spend one glorious weekend with me? If it goes well, maybe we can repeat for several trysts – I would love to see you as often as possible.

Ad #5:
Lovely mother looking for nice appearance. My standards are no longer that high, so you don’t have to be super rich or beautiful. You’ll recognize me by my: dirty/unbrushed pony tail, yoga pants I slept in, snot/pee/vomit stained t-shirt, & cheap flip flops or sneakers (depending on the season). I’ll also have bags under my blood shot eyes, a crying toddler on my hip, & a whining preschooler clinging to my leg. Please try to see past all that and see the once beautiful woman lurking underneath. If you peel off all those layers and replace with some nice jeans, pretty shirt, cute shoes and apply a hairbrush & some makeup, I promise I clean up quite nice. It would probably help if you teamed up with some of the others I’m seeking – this one may take a team effort, but please, for the love of everything good & just in this world, please find me!

Is there anyone you’re lacking in your life? Add your Missed Connections post in the comments below 🙂

Mother’s Day fantasy wish list

“I believe there is no part of our lives, our adult as well as child life, when we’re not fantasizing, but we prefer to relegate fantasy to children, as though it were some tomfoolery only fit for the immature minds of the young. Children do live in fantasy and reality; they move back and forth very easily in a way we no longer remember how to do.”
As quoted in Questions to an Artist Who Is Also an Author : A Conversation between Maurice Sendak and Virginia Haviland (1972) by Virginia Haviland

Even though I’m -gasp- 30, I still fantasize. This is my fantasy Mother’s Day wish list:

1. A nap. Morning, afternoon, it does not matter. I haven’t napped in about 5 years. I’ll take one whenever I can get one.

2. A real shower. A shower where I can shave my legs, wash my hair – with shampoo & conditioner from separate bottles, & not be terrified that my kids are halfway to the playground when I don’t hear any fighting for longer than 2 minutes.

3. A trip to the bathroom alone. No open door, no audience, no running q&a session.

4. A full meal. Sitting down, in a chair, by myself. No sharing – which happens even with identical plates, no cutting other people’s food, no whining over the selection.

5. A phone call. Uninterrupted. No pleas for attention, no fighting, whining, hanging on my leg. No who is it? Can I have this? Can you do this? Just a nice enjoyable chat.

6. A full night’s sleep. In my bed. All alone. No feet kicking me in the ribs, no 3 am full-arm slap across the face, no waking up in a puddle having to change the sheets in the dark – or usually just throwing a towel over it until morning.

7. An actual quick trip to the store. I want to grab my keys, hop in the car, drive to the store, hop out, grab what I need, pay, hop back in car, drive home, go in house. Instead of the usual: search for 4 little shoes – 2 of each size – preferably matching, wrestle them on, find 2 jackets, wrestle them on, shepherd 2 kids out door & eventually to the car, fight to get them in the carseats & buckled, drive to store while questioning if milk is really *that* important, get kids out of car & safely into store, say no to various toys & candy for 20 minutes, grab what I need, pay, pay again for opened gum in kids’ pockets, keep kids from getting run over in parking lot, fight to get them back in seats & buckled, drive home with now screaming kids because they didn’t get every toy in cvs, wonder if the supermarket delivery system would drop off a gallon of milk next time, consider paying the $50 minimum for said gallon of milk just to never have to leave the house again, get home, get kids out of car, trip over the discarded jackets & shoes right inside the front door, realize you’re out of toilet paper, give up & go outside to collect leaves.

8. A massage/pedicure/movie. Anything that I can do for at least one hour without whining, crying, fighting, wiping someone else’s butt, constant requests for things that we don’t have or that they can’t have. Preferably something that can make me forget – for at least an hour – about the last 4 years of the above annoyances & the fact that I will be going back to it – & the saved up annoyances from the hour off.

9. A cup of coffee. Hot. From first sip to last. Without using the microwave even once.

10. A TV show. Not dvr’d. On at prime time. No kids out of bed – no bathroom trips, requests for water, etc. I want to sit on the couch at 9:00, watch a show in its entirety – commercials and all, and not get up or talk the entire time.

I love my kids, I really really do. I would include in the list lots of hugs, kisses, & snuggles from my boys but this was a fantasy list and I have no doubt that I will actually get tons of love from my kids. They are sweet sweet boys that love their mommy & show it a lot. I am very blessed in that way. That’s all I really want for Mother’s Day… Unless you’re offering anything from the above list 😉

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there! And to any of you dads or kids reading, I can safely assume that your wife or mom would happily accept any item on my list too – so you’re welcome!

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I write a blog. Who cares?!

I write a blog – who cares? The short answer: not too many people. Those few who do, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read & follow me 🙂 The long answer: Not too many people. Haha. Seriously though, I can’t speak for everyone who blogs, but I don’t really do it for other people. I write for myself. I think that most of us do. I have a bad day or a profound thought (not often) or I’m grateful for something (always) or something makes me laugh (all the time – I do have kids!) and I want to write about it. To vent, to share, to always remember. Maybe someone is going through the same things or has already done it or needs a laugh for the day. If one person smiles or feels less alone because of something I wrote then that is what it is all for – even if that one person is me. I don’t write for “likes” or “follows” but, to be completely honest, I love the hell out of them and appreciate every single one I get 😉

Soccer tales of an athletically un-gifted 4 year old (the video proof)

As promised, here is the video of Kid #1 attempting jumping jacks. *He is the one in the middle who falls down as soon as the exercise starts. He gets back up & then the fun starts. Too bad they only have to do 10 of them. Haha.

Sorry I’ve been MIA

Sorry that I’ve been MIA. It’s been one helluva week. Awesome post coming tomorrow.. Well a post coming tomorrow, I promise. Kid #1 has his kindergarten DIAL screening tomorrow, I’m sure that will provide plenty of material – he has to skip for crying out loud! If you read my post about soccer, skipping will be way more challenging than reciting his ABC’s or counting to 30. Look forward to a blog post laden with mommy guilt over what a terrible teacher I’ve been to him & all the ways I’ve failed him. Isn’t that what kindergarten assessment is all about?

Soccer Tales of an athletically un-gifted 4 year old

Today started out early for a Sunday. The boys & I had to be at the soccer field by 8:45. Soccer is supposed to start at 9:00 but J’s coach wants us there at 8:45 so there’s not stragglers showing up at 9:05, after practice has started. I’m pretty sure he must have gotten a head’s up about my uncanny ability to consistently be fashionably late and created this rule just for me. I proved him a pretty smart guy when I showed up at 8:55. My dad had come to visit for the weekend, just to watch J play soccer – such a great grandpa! – and was staying with my sister. He was already at the field waiting for us. Pulling up and seeing him sitting in his car waiting I felt like I was 17 again and I missed curfew. Except between my dad & I that’s not that big of a deal because he’s pretty laid back & non-confrontational. So really it was just my own guilt I was feeling, now & back then. Anyway, it was such a beautiful morning and we had a blast watching a bunch of 4 year olds play soccer, or their version of it. We especially enjoyed my graceful (like a bull) son perform his version of jumping jacks. I really need to get this on video for you – it is hilarious. My poor kid, the coach could barely count, even he was cracking up. I can’t even begin to describe to you what his attempt looks like. If you’ve ever seen the “Elaine dance” on Seinfeld, imagine that but done by a tragically uncoordinated 4 year old. That’s the best idea I can give you for the awkwardness level. Thank goodness they only have to do 10 of them, so it’s a short-lived comedy put on by my sweet innocent boy. Bless his heart he tries though.

I’m so appreciative for soccer. It gives me such insight into my son that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s a unique perspective you get to have on your kid. It’s kind of like a fishbowl view. I’m there, he knows I’m there but gets distracted enough to forget this for a bit. I get to see how he interacts with & responds to different adults without me there. He’s talkative – boy is he talkative, he always has “just one thing” he needs to say. I see what he is like with other kids. He is friendly. I see the motivation he needs. He needs a good bit of encouragement. Left to his own devices, he will wander & get sidetracked. He literally walked off the field in the middle of a game to come ask me a question about where we were going to eat the bagels we were getting after soccer was over. (This is the same kid who before soccer, when I told him he needs to eat breakfast for energy before soccer, lifted his shirt, grabbed his “fluffy” – as I prefer to call it – belly and said straight faced & completely seriously “You see this? *This* belly gives me energy, I don’t need breakfast.”) The coach of the team he played against was so good with J & J responded so well to him, I was contemplating trying to switch him to that team. Haha, yeah right! There is no chance in hell that my kid would let me switch his team. He is so excited to be a Silver Bullet, I could never convince him to be a Ladybug. Can’t really blame him. The Ladybugs? For soccer? I get that they’re only 4 but come on, call me old fashioned but I don’t think that’s a good name for any sports team at any age. Maybe in the fall we can switch. Gives me plenty of time to lobby for a re-name or to convince J that ladybugs are the. coolest. thing. ever.

I am going to make sure that I talk to his school before they assign him a kindergarten teacher for the fall. I have this information now of how my son best needs to be handled in an instructional setting and you bet your booty I will be doing everything I can to set him up for success. He has his kindergarten/Dial screening on Thursday. I’m not sure if I should let them evaluate him first and see what they have to say without bias or if I should bring it to their attention first. What would you do? Have you been in a similar situation, what did you do? Are you -& I will love you forever for the insider info- someone who does dial testing? Also, I am 100%, undeniably aware that he will most certainly be failing the skipping test. Skipping? Worse than the jumping jacks. He kind of gallops with a little hop thrown in and then finishes it with some kind of weird triple-jump-ish thing. Seriously, if you’re a dial tester & you’re in my area or you know someone who is, make sure you have a video camera rolling. You could probably win the America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize… But only if you beat out the jumping jacks video I’m getting next week!

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Who spilled the popcorn?

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So as I was sitting at the computer with some morning after uncertainty – unsure if I would be able to actually continue a blog, my kids came to my rescue. I was literally sitting next to kid #2, completely focused on my blog, unaware of my surroundings, trying to find & upload an old picture of a mess my kids made with some Cheerios. When I emerged from my daze I found my table & kitchen floor covered in cheddar cheese popcorn… And it’s 10:30 in the morning! Seriously?! It is irony at its finest. While I’m busy contemplating whether or not I’ll have post-worthy material every day, my kids are busy giving me something to write about!

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Verbal Assault Weapons of a 4 year old

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photo from http://comics.dp.cx/2009.01.27/Dennis%20the%20Menace-2009.01.27.gif

I wanted to share with you the top 3 weapons in Kid #1’s verbal assault arsenal.

#1. “Tell me more about this.”
This is used numerous times a day for even the most trivial things. Example: Me – You’re having chocolate milk this morning. Kid #1 – Tell me more about this. Me – It’s milk with chocolate in it & you drink it. Kid #1 – Tell me more about this. Me – I pour milk in your cup, scoop in the Ovaltine, stir it up. Close the cup, give it to you & you drink it. Kid #1 – Tell me more about this. Me – It’s good for you & it tastes yummy. Kid #1 – Tell me more about this. Me – That’s enough. Kid #1 – Tell me more about this. Me – I need more coffee… Or maybe wine.

#2. “You promise?”
Typically used when I’ve already said no multiple times and there’s no chance in hell I will promise. Example from yesterday, between kid #1 and my stepsister. Kid #1 – Can we go to McDonalds for lunch? SS – Sure. We can do that as a special treat today. Kid #1 – Can we eat inside? SS – No, I don’t think that’s a good idea because we have the dogs in the car. Kid #1 – Do you promise we can eat inside? SS – No, we can’t eat inside. I just told you that. (5 minutes later) Kid #1 – Aunt K, do you promise we can eat inside? SS – No Kid #1, we are not eating inside. We are taking it home. Ask again and we won’t get it at all. (While pulling up to the drive-through to order) Kid #1 – NOOOOOOO!!!!!! You PROMISED we could eat inside!!!!!!

#3 – “Ok, but only if…”
I think this is my favorite. My little cutie turns into a little con artist, or so he thinks. Example: Kid #1 – Can I have dessert? Me – Ok. You ate all your dinner. You can have a cookie for dessert. Kid #1 – Ok, but only if I can stay up 10 minutes later tonight. Me – It doesn’t work like that. Kid #1 – No, I’m making a deal with you. Me – I know what you think you’re doing but it doesn’t work like that. You asked for something you wanted, I said yes, now it’s done. What you’re actually saying is if I don’t let you stay up later, you won’t get your cookie. Are you sure that’s the deal you want to make? Kid #1 – *big sigh* Fine, I’ll just have a cookie…. But only if I can have two.

Are there verbal assault weapons your kid uses? Please share in the comments 🙂

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