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My Missed Connections


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I don’t know about you, but I had no idea what Missed Connections was (or even that it existed) until I heard it referenced on a couple TV shows and then read this ad (which turned out to be a hoax) that was posted on Facebook or pinterest.

If you haven’t heard of Missed Connections, it’s a website where you can go to post an ad trying to find someone you had a chance encounter with. Made googly eyes with a cutie while getting your morning coffee? Take the what-could’ve- been craziness up a notch and post an ad saying “short, curvy woman with purple hair and multiple piercings & tattoos seeking tall, dark, handsome man in suit that was smiling at me in Starbucks on Main St this morning. If you were smiling at the 6’2″ supermodel in the bikini behind me, please disregard this post.” Anyway, the point of this is not to bag on Missed Connections, or the people who use it – but I will for just a minute because, come on, this is ridiculous. Who am I to judge someone going online to post a plea to find someone they shared the same air with for 30 seconds? I could say that you’re bat shit crazy and even if the person you’re looking for thought you were cute, chances are if they see your desperate ad, there will be no next encounter. Hypothetically this is a great romantic idea, realistically it’s a forum for the psycho stalkers to let the world know who they are.

In tribute to Missed Connections, I’ve decided to write up a few of my own ads. I have had my share of encounters that I’d like to repeat, whether they were fleeting or lasted awhile before they faded into the sunset or disappeared in a flash. Turns out I really do understand the desperation involved in posting these ads.

Ad #1:
30 year old woman looking for her youthful energy. I spent quite a lot of time with you up until about 5 years ago. Then you just stopped showing up. We had great times together – we used to go out until all hours of the night & party, even on work nights where we had only a few hours in bed before the alarm went off. Do you remember? We could wake up, shower, chug an extra-large coffee, be awake & alert to kick ass at work, then repeat the same thing again later. I’ve heard that youthful energy disappears when you have kids or gets transferred completely to your kids but I thought *we* were different. I’d love to see you again. Please get in touch, even if you can only visit a few times a month – I’ll take whatever I can get.

Ad #2:
Mother of 2 seeks all the extra money I should have had before I had kids. Now I keep my kids fed, clothed, entertained, & happy – and trust me that is not cheap. Kids are expensive. Thing is I didn’t always have kids. I used to work before them and I made money and I didn’t have any extra money to save. I mean I should have, being as though now that I have kids I have all these extra expenses that I didn’t have before and I manage to keep those expenses paid. I’ve never actually met you extra money I should’ve been saving. I caught glimpses of you between 2000-2007, but it was mostly at crowded bars, restaurants, casinos & clothing stores. You slipped away before I could ever have a meaningful conversation with you about a real future. If you see this ad, please contact me, I still need you in my life – now more than ever.

Ad #3:
Young-ish lady seeks one super-sized, iron-clad bladder. I assure you I am not a senior citizen, I am only 30 years old. I had a long-term relationship with you, from about 1987/88 until the summer of 2007. Remember that 8 hour road trip when you didn’t fail me once? How about those long nights of drinking when, if we didn’t break your seal, you were dependable the whole time?! I didn’t even realize you left, you just kind of started hanging around less and less and before I knew it you were gone. I miss you so much every night, usually around 3:30 am, and sometimes when I laugh really hard. I’m so sorry I didn’t do my kegel exercises to keep you around longer, I promise to train really hard if you come back. Please come back to me – my future *Depends* on it!

Ad #4:
Very tired, yet functioning, woman seeks quality sleep. Thanks to Youthful Energy we didn’t spend that much time together but when we did -ahhhh – it was bliss. Thanks to Solid Bladder, our time together was uninterrupted. I miss you. I know we still see each other in dribs & drabs, but I would like to spend some real quality time with you like we used to. We used to be able to see each other whenever we wanted, for however long we wanted. What happened to us?! If at all possible, could you meet up with Solid Bladder, find this fairy tale character I’ve heard myths & rumors about named Babysitter, and at least spend one glorious weekend with me? If it goes well, maybe we can repeat for several trysts – I would love to see you as often as possible.

Ad #5:
Lovely mother looking for nice appearance. My standards are no longer that high, so you don’t have to be super rich or beautiful. You’ll recognize me by my: dirty/unbrushed pony tail, yoga pants I slept in, snot/pee/vomit stained t-shirt, & cheap flip flops or sneakers (depending on the season). I’ll also have bags under my blood shot eyes, a crying toddler on my hip, & a whining preschooler clinging to my leg. Please try to see past all that and see the once beautiful woman lurking underneath. If you peel off all those layers and replace with some nice jeans, pretty shirt, cute shoes and apply a hairbrush & some makeup, I promise I clean up quite nice. It would probably help if you teamed up with some of the others I’m seeking – this one may take a team effort, but please, for the love of everything good & just in this world, please find me!

Is there anyone you’re lacking in your life? Add your Missed Connections post in the comments below 🙂


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